Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
