god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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