This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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