I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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