i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
