My first STD was from a foam party
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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