pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
