if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
