Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
