I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
