Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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