Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The air was thick with penises
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
