Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
