Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
