I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
