So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
