Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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