I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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