I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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