If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm having to shit out rocks
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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