So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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