She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
