I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
