I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wish my penis had a tongue
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
