i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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