im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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