remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize