it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's always time for handjobs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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