You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Damn victory sex feels great
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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