What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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