im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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