I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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