just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
