Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Drunk is a universal language darling
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize