take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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