Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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