I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
