Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
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