I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
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