his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
