you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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