i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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