I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
