last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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