did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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