I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I still have a little drunk in my system
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
