i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
