I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
