Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
