New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
