I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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