My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
