you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
