Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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