Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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