rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I smell stomach acid.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
