note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
