would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
