I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
