saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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