He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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