this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
