literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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