i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize