$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
