I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
