i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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