the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
