a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
