There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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